I didn’t really plan on being a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). It just came. A few weeks before my maternity leave ends, hubby got this job offer abroad and he quickly grabbed the opportunity. That same few weeks I was struggling to decide whether to go back to work or not. First, I have no one to leave my baby with, and I can’t imagine leaving her for 8-10 hours a day to my parents or a nanny. This job opportunity has made my decision easier.
Then, here I am…SAHM for almost three years now.
Everything feels wonderful. I get to be with my daughter all the time, get to attend to all of her needs, sustain breastfeeding up to now, see all her milestones, take care of the house and of course, my husband.
But this feeling isn’t everyday. There are also these “down days”. There are times that I feel like asking myself if this is where I should be. I feel like ( and people always think that) what I started will just all go to waste if I stay at home and be what they call, domesticated. I always ask myself, “will I get to be hired again if ever my SAHM days are over?”
As you know, I used to have a job. It’s not high-paying, or the most fulfilling job in the world but I get to earn my own money, travel once in a while, and do a lot of things. It’s already satisfying for me. But now, I depend on my husband for everything. I still get I want, and I don’t have to ask for it because I was the one holding the wallet. Even though he calls it “our money”, he’s still the one who earns it, not me. All I have to do is stay with my baby and have the meal ready when he comes home…oh, and keep the house clean and the clothes washed and neatly pressed.
Easy right?
Yeah, pretty easy.
But there were times that I get bored, or I have nothing else to do at home (when in fact there are a lot). There are times that I feel like my brain’s not working anymore. Or there’s this everyday struggle to come up with an interesting conversation with my husband, unless he finds playing blocks and changing soiled diaper interesting.
When I see my friends going to places or drinking their hearts out, I feel this rush of envy, as much as I hate to admit it, but it’s there. I used to be like them and then suddenly I’m here writing my feelings out to this post I don’t know if anyone reads.
I used to talk to people, the professional ones, the bosses, my co-workers…and here I am now, I talk to a 2-year old everyday as if she’s going to answer me like an adult.
There are days that being a stay at home mom isn’t the most rewarding job at all. That’s when I doubt.
Well, these are regrets that I don’t really regret.
My job now is teaching character to a growing human being. If I do better, my kid will grow and flourish, and will be a blessing to others. I am her first teacher, her caregiver, her playmate. She hangs her arms around my neck all day and I don’t really mind because I get to have a soft kiss on my cheeks every day. Seeing her grow before my own eyes gives me the satisfaction, fulfillment, and contentment any job can ever offer.
On days like this that I doubt about my decision, I just think that “everyday is a season”. And this season of my life is for my child. And I am thankful for having this season because who knows, I might not have another child again. In God’s perfect timing, I will have time for myself to grow; I might be a WAHM (work at home mom), be employed again, or own a business…only God knows. Some people might think that I wasted my degree and my job, but I do not care. It is never a waste to invest myself in my child. I think of all the memories I could have missed out if I returned to work, and I will just shake my head and smile. The moment I can share with my kid (as a small child) is only available for a short time and I am forever grateful to be around for her.
I wouldn’t trade those sweet giggles for someone who raises a voice at me and bosses me around. I will not ever trade toys thrown all over the house to a disorganized work desk, nor my peaceful life to everyday rush hours and stress.
What I have now is a blessing. A blessing that I sometimes fail to see because I have doubts if this is where I really belong…if this is really who I want to be. And then I realize, this is a blessing not every woman can afford to have, or will choose to have.
Let me finish this post with a quote from Little Women:
“…the love, respect, and confidence of my children was the sweetest reward I could receive for my efforts to be the woman I would have them copy.”
Motherhood is not about what we can gain for ourselves.
